A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down. “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again, the monkey nods his head up and down.
“Well, did you see this?” “Yes,” motioned the monkey.
“What happened?” The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer. The monkey nods his head “Yes.”
“What else?” The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
“They were smoking marijuana?” The monkey nods his head “Yes.”
“What else?” The monkey motioned “kissing.”
“They were kissing, too?” asked the astounded officer. The monkey nods his head “Yes.”
“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.” The monkey nods his head “Yes.”
“What were you doing during all this?” “Driving” motioned the monkey.
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” the man replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“Can’t,” breathes the bartender. “He’s not here. Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.
“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”
A man took a walk along a railroad track. Not paying attention, he got his foot stuck in a gap in the rails. Just then the whistle of the 10 a.m. train sounded in in the distance.
He tried frantically to free himself, but to no avail. Looking up he prayed, “God, please get me free!” The Whistle sounded, again he pulled, no movement. “God! If you get my foot out I will stop smoking.” The whistle sounded closer. Still pulling, he only seemed to get more stuck. “God! If you get my foot out I will stop smoking and drinking.” Looking up he could now see the train engineer in the window of the engine. His foot still would not move. “God!!! If you get my foot out I will stop, smoking drinking and give my money to the poor!”
At that moment his foot slipped from its grasp in the rail and he rolled clear of the train’s wheels… “Never mind God I took care of it myself.”