Kid “Mummy !Mummy! There is a man with a bill at the door”
Mother “Dont be silly dear, it must be a duck with a hat on ”
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A walk
A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach of an island and is immediately
surrounded by a group of native warriors. “I’m done for”, the man cries in despair.
“No you are not,” comes a booming voice from the heavens. “Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab the spear from the one who is beside you and shove it through the heart of the chief.”
The man does so, and the remainder of the band stare in disbelief. “Now, what?” the man asks the heavens.
“Now, you are done for.”
Two caterpillars were crawling along a leaf when a butterfly flew past
overhead. One caterpillar turned to the other one and said: “You’ll never
get me up in one of those things ”
One day 2 blondes decided to drive
One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disneyland. When they saw a sign that said “Disneyland left” they turned around and went home.
I was in the waiting room of my doctor’s office the other
day when the doctor started yelling, “Typhoid Tetanus Measles ”
I went up to the nurse and asked her what the hell was going on.
She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.
Why is a tractor magic?
Because it can go down a road and turn into a field
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, officer?”
“Because your breast is hanging out.”
She looks down and says, “OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!”
A man walks into a bar and notices two pieces of beef nailed to the ceiling. He asks the barman why they’re there. “It’s a competition. If you can climb up there and get those bits of meat down you’ll get free drinks all night. But if you try and fail then you’ll have to buy a round for everyone in the pub. Do you fancy having a go?” The man has a long, hard look at the ceiling before saying, “No, I’ll just have a pint thanks. The steaks are too high.”
Close your eyes. Dark isn’t it?
Why did Ludwig v. Beethoven kill his two ducks? Z They wouldn’t stop saying “Bach bach” all the time..