How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to do it, and another to hold the fish.
As a funeral train passes by a golf course, a golfer on one of the greens stops,
stands at attention with hat held over his heart as the hearse goes by. Then he
goes back to lining up his putt. His playing partner remarks how that was the
nicest gesture he’d ever seen, to show such respect for the dead. The first
golfer sinks his putt and says, “Well, she was a good wife for sixteen years.”
A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in
Egypt, and is named “Amahl.” The other goes to a family in Spain and is named
“Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mom. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture
of Amahl. Her husband responds, “But they are identical twins. If you’ve seen
Juan, you’ve seen Amahl.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
Man walking down the street meets a friend who has a lobster tucked under his
“Are you taking that lobster home to dinner?” he asks. “No,” says friend, “he’s
had his dinner and now I’m taking him to the pictures”.
A man is sat at home watching T.V. when he hears a knock at the door. The man
gets up and answers the door, to his astonishment there is a snail at the door.
The snail says “can i sell you some double glazing.” To which the man replies
“no” and kicks him down the street.
Two weeks later there is another knock at the door. The man answers it and it is
the snail again. The snail then say “what did you do that for then.”
Patient: “Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a pair of curtains.”
Doctor: “Pull yourself together man.”
Patient: Dr, Dr -‐ I can’t get this song out of my head and it’s driving me mad. I
can’t stop humming “It’s Good to Touch the Green Green Grass of Home”
Doctor: “Hmm, sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome”
Patient ” Never heard of it”
Doctor “Well it’s not unusual …”
Extra strong mint and Mars bar are having a drink in the pub. Extra strong mint
says to Mars Bar, `I’m the hardest mint in town me! No-‐one’s harder than me!’.
With that, the bar doors swing open and in walks a Halls mint. Mars bar turns
around and extra strong mint is quivering under the table. Mars bar says, `Hang
on a minute, I thought you were the hardest mint in town?!’. Extra strong mint
says, `I might be hard, but he’s menthal!’
Q. Why do cows have bells
A. Because there horns dont work
Guy walks into the doctor’s with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doctor says ‘I can give you some cream for that’.
A man goes to a diner. On the menu it says, “Breakfast Served Anytime” so, when
the waitress comes he orders French Toast during the Renaissance!